On leaving America – Part 9

The House That Tried To Kill Me.

It’s weird. Shortly after we decided to sell the house things started to go sideways.
I was in the kitchen making coffee last month and my wife was upstairs taking a shower. Then suddenly I was taking a shower, which was strange as I was still in the kitchen. A pipe inside the shower stall wall had broken and water soaked though the kitchen ceiling dry wall, shorting out two of the lights and working its south to destroy part of the living room ceiling. Cost of patchwork, painting and plumber: $1050. Our insurance deductible . . . : $1000.                                             Where The Shower Head Used To Be.

Murphy’s Law

            Two weeks later I decided to replace a mattress on a Murphy Bed we have in the guest room as we were expecting a visit from some friends who live in California. I got the mattress off okay and then thought, what the hell, I might as well replace the box springs too. I removed a couple clips that held the box springs to the frame and had it halfway off when the bed when the whole thing shot up life a giant mousetrap knocking me across the room and totally destroying the frame and wood panel that matched the wall when the bed was folded up. I was later told by a Murphy Bed dealer that the springs that helped raise the bed back up into the wall had a total pull force of 600 pounds. We had a choice, replace the Murphy bed ($2,500) or remove the thing completely which seemed like a good idea at the time.

After the bed was removed we realized there was no carpet under where the deadly machine had lain in wait. A patch would show, not good as we are planning to sell.
So now we need to put new carpet in the room and repaint the wall.

Death From Above
One day while removing the metal framework that once held the Murphy bed I kept noticing a scratchy, kind of buzzy noise. It seemed to be coming from the guest bedroom ceiling. Thank God there are no pipes up there, but the was something. Rats in the attic? I located what seemed to be the source of the sound and poked where it seemed to be coming from with my index finger. The ceiling was paper thin at that spot and my finger went straight though the dry wall. I got stung five times in very rapid succession and thousands of very pissed off wasps came pouring out. I escaped into the hallway and slammed the door shut. It sounded like there was an airplane inside the room for the next two days. What to do? Finally I put on two pairs of pants, some old cowboy boots, a leather motorcycle jacket and crash helmet with a face plate. Then I took my wife’s vacuum cleaner, removed the end piece leaving an open sucking tube and reentered the wasp filled room. There were hundreds of them waiting for me.

A Few Of The Dead Removed From Vacuum Cleaner Bag
But I must admit I sort of enjoyed this part. It was like Star Wars, me with one of those wand things sucking up wasps as they unsuccessfully tried to sting their way though leather and plastic. I got rid of almost all of them and taped up the hole. They had chewed thought the wallboard to collect material for what must have been a good sided nest. “Paper wasps,” the exterminator said.
They guy who repaired the kitchen ceiling is now repairing the wasp hole in the bedroom ceiling.

More Dead Ones Killed By The Exterminator

                                                   The Exterminator
I’ll be lucky to get out of here alive!

About Bruce Louis Dodson

Bruce Louis Dodson is an American expat now living in Borlänge, Sweden with his wife, cat and dog. He is an artist and world traveler who writes fiction and poetry and practices photography in his less than copious free time. His work has appeared in: Barely South Review - Boundaries Issue, Blue Collar Review, Pulsar Poetry (UK), Foliate Oak, Breadline Press West Coast Anthology . The E-buffet, Qarrtsiluni, Struggle Magazine, Pearl Literary Magazine, Contemporary Literature Review: India, 3rd Wednesday, Sleeping Cat Books - Trip of a Lifetime Anthology, Northern Liberties Review, Authors Abroad - Foreign & and Far Away Anthology, The Path, Page & Spine, The Crucible, Sleeping Cat Books -Trips of a Lifetime, Vine Leaves, Pirene's Fountain,Tic Toc Anthology - Kind of a Hurricane Press, Cordite Poetry Review, Buffalo Almanac and mgv2.
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6 Responses to On leaving America – Part 9

  1. Sometimes the most aggravating experiences in our life read the funniest on paper. Forgive me for laughing at the scene in my imagination of you in two pairs of pants, cowboy boots, a leather motorcycle jacket and a helmet as you suck up the wasps with your vacuum cleaner. When it rains, it pours, especially when it comes to problems in our lives. It’s a good thing you’re moving because your house obviously doesn’t want you living there anymore.

  2. stutleytales says:

    Oh, how funny. Either your house hates you and it is punishing you for leaving, or it loves you and is making it hard to sell. 🙂

  3. catnip says:

    OK, Bruce, so is The Exterminator going to be the title of your new book? I know during this entire ordeal you were probably NOT laughing nor any where near a laughing mood. However, now that it is all over and you reflect back on the entire situation and definitely read your own post, I do hope you laugh outloud! Laughter is good for the soul especially in times of stress. May the force be with you next time you pick up the vaccuum cleaner! Good ol’ Murphy…he never let’s us down!

  4. funny to look back, but hell at the time. That’s three. The ordeal must be over now! Good Luck

  5. angchronicles says:

    Bruce, Oh the memories of owning a home; thank you for reminding me of the joys I will have in my new apartment. God speed in your’s. And the bees…hilarious.

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